Stepping Away from the Wall

It's 9:27 am.  My 23-day old daughter and my dog are asleep on the couch next to me and I have at least 3 conference proposals, a course revision and an article manuscript on which I should be working. But to work requires sleep, particularly to write academic work that is to be accepted for presentation and publication. And I feel stuck and practically unproductive.

My daughter is a great sleeper.  For the first two weeks of her life, she slept an average of 20-22 hours a day, literally only waking up to eat and get her diaper changed before going back to sleep. (This was a shocker for me, who had only ever raised my son as an infant.  He has never, from day 1 to age 9, literally NEVER, slept more than 10 hours a day unless he is ill.) My husband was also helpfully home, full-time for week 1 and half time for week 2.  So, I actually got a revision to an article manuscript, an edited book chapter and a conference proposal done by working 2-3 hours daily in the morning during the baby's morning nap.  I felt like a pro! I could do this academic mothering thing--no problem!

Then came week 3.  My husband went back to work full time and my daughter started sleeping less and eating more (which I'm glad for because I was beginning to worry that she slept TOO much--probably only because she's so different from my son) which meant my energy levels began going down.  I made it through most of the week then hit the wall on Friday, which also happened to be the day of her first well-baby check-up.  I successfully got my daughter to her doctor's appointment on time, only to wait for an hour as the office was behind.  When we finally got seen, I had hit the peak of exhaustion and frustration and wanted to burst into tears (maybe postpartum hormones had something to do with this too).  I decided work would have to wait that day and I'd give myself the weekend off.

In fact, I went into this past weekend thinking that a weekend was all I would need to regain my energy, motivation, and capacity for writing.  Instead of resting, however, for some reason, I decided that I needed to declutter my entire wardrobe.  While incredibly productive, I really should have slept.  Last night, at 8pm, I realized frantically that my husband and son were going back to school and work this morning and I thought, "I haven't just hit the wall.  It's like I'm head banging the wall in exhaustion." I began to wonder if I'd ever recover from this lingering sleep deprivation.

But then I remembered that the sleep deprivation is temporary and these moments with my baby girl are forever.

So, this morning, I'm stepping away from the wall and being grateful for the abundance in my life.  Thanks to a few cultivated self-care and coping skills and the generosity of others--my refrigerator is full of nutritious food and I've realized that if I don't apply to every conference, it's going to be okay. There will be other conferences, other years, and I will be an academic for my whole life.  My daughter will only be an infant once.  I stop to make myself a cup of tea and to look at the angelic face of my baby girl resting next to me.  And, I realize that I may not get everything done today, this week or even this summer, but the only way I'll get anything done that is important to me (including maintaining mommy sanity) is to take things moment by moment, day by day.  And I think, in a few moments, I'll start by taking a nap.