Prior to the birth of my daughter last month, it
had been over 9 years since I had a newborn in the house and the first time was
no bed of roses for me (You can read about that here), but as we enter the
second month of my little girl's life, it's time for a bit of reflection.
Things I Thought Would Happen but Didn't
•
My postpartum depression would be worse--This is
actually one of the reasons I wasn't sure that I wanted another child. I
had done a lot of reading on how postpartum depression gets worse with
subsequent children and was concerned about my own mental health and being able
to give of myself fully to my children. I am fortunate and happy to say
that, although there have been occasional moments of the "baby
blues," I haven't experienced full-blown postpartum depression, likely
because of the very different circumstances surrounding my son and my daughter's
births and because of prioritizing self-care. Whatever the reason, I am
incredibly thankful that this hasn't come to pass because I know statistically,
this is an anomaly.
•
My son would embrace being a big brother--My son
is an incredible 9-year old, but after sharing his mommy for the first 6 years
of his life, he had adjusted to being the only child in the house since our
move from the Bay Area, and although he loves his little sister, he's not a
super fan of the fact that he's back to sharing mom with another sibling that's
in the house. He's been understanding about everything and SUPER helpful,
but I can tell he's a little sad that he doesn't get my undivided attention as
much as he used to and that the baby needs me so much. When asked about
how he feels as an older brother, he says he doesn't really like it. I
know I should have expected transition time, but somehow, in my magical world,
he'd transform into some enthusiastic kid who thought being a big brother was
the best thing since video games. That was probably a long shot.
•
I'd be able to go to sleep when I wanted to--Okay,
okay, this was a delusional expectation, but I really thought, after 8 years of
solid routine with my son, that my daughter (who is an excellent sleeper
already) would just fall into a schedule that synced with mine immediately and
that when I was ready to go to sleep after tucking in her brother, I could just
quickly feed her and then jump into bed. HAHAHAHAHAHA. First of
all, her strength in sleeping is matched only by her ravenous appetite which
means that nursing can take forever and sleep can be restless (the pediatrician
told me to expect this). Second, she loves sleeping near or on someone,
particularly for naps during the day, but I have a hard time positioning her so
that I can "sleep when the baby sleeps." Third, from the womb, my
daughter has been clear that she is the new sheriff in town, and she asserts
that authority with a combination of cute and sleep deprivation.
Things I Didn't Expect that Did Happen
•
I had to supplement with formula--This was
actually a big bummer for me. With my son, I prided myself on being the
moo-moo milk cow of a mother (no really, it's true) so when I had to supplement
for my daughter, first to help her through her neonatal jaundice and then
because she just wouldn't sleep solidly without more nutrition at night, I felt
somehow like I was letting her down. I'm coming to peace with the fact
that her health and not my pride should be the priority (you know, like they
hand out medals for successful breastfeeding somewhere), but it was definitely
a surprise.
•
Everything seems new and different--I had
thought that everything would come back to me from being with my son, but new
baby, new place in life, new perspectives--everything is really different with
my daughter. Some of it, I think, is that it was a really long time ago
and I was really struggling so I try to block that time out of my memory, but a
lot of it is probably that my two children are really different (this is good
because it leads to less comparison between the two). I have to relearn a
lot, but it's actually been nice to start again, and there are all these new
(to me) things like biliblankets and bows!
•
I love staying home with my girl--Despite
the cabin fever that I've experienced, it's been amazing being home with my
daughter and I've been so thankful for this time. Because it was such a
hard postpartum period with my son, I was hesitant about how to approach this
time--Would I be able to get anything at all done? Would I fail at self-care?
Could I still have a life? In month 1, I've really had to deal with physical
limitations and immediate needs, but it has been a great thing--helping me to
slow down and be present (with all of my kids), prioritize and let go.
Onward and forward to month 2!
