Today, I just can't...

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog.  My daughter is rapidly approaching her first birthday.  My son reached double digits nearly 2 months ago.  And I've been plugging along (with my husband's support), back at work, teaching, supervising, writing, traveling to an academic conference across the country (while pumping....My thoughts about that can be found here), finishing up my term as PTA treasurer for my son's school,  training for a half marathon and so on and so forth, being what my son affectionately called, "the EXACT opposite of lazy" last night, and generally balancing life as best I can.

But, that has left me with little time for reflection, something that is a core value, both personally and professionally.

So, although I have 13 things on my calendar for today and mommy-blogging is not one of them, I need to take some time to reflect because this morning was one of those mornings where I just couldn't.

This morning was the culmination of a series of, "I don't think I can....No, just push through it, of course you can.  In fact, you must, because ___________________" conversations that ostensibly started with my trip across the country a couple weeks ago for this conference, but, really actually started perhaps when I became a mother for the first time, or maybe when I was born.  (I only say this on my cynical days.  Other days, I have a much more positive view of my productivity.)

What happened: My son, who is a great kid in general, was zoned out in front of a youtube video instead of getting his own stuff together.  Twice.  In one morning. And I got upset at him in the car on the way to school for not thinking more about others and not being personally responsible for getting ready while I frantically raced about trying to get myself together to get limited parking at work after dropping him off.

I dropped him off with tears in his eyes and mine, frustrated at his lack of expressed mindfulness but more upset at myself than at him and stressed because traffic was bad which I knew meant parking even further out than usual.  I started sobbing on my way to work (which hasn't happened in a couple years), gave myself a headache, was worried about looking like a raccoon as my eye make-up dripped down my face (and as I realized I had no replacement eye make-up so I should try to blot rather than wipe--yes, I had this vain thought as I was sobbing, literally). I called my husband to voice my concern that I was raising a little boy who, although smart, kind to his friends, and good-hearted was going to grow up entitled without compassion for the general world around him and an understanding of how relatively blessed he was in comparison to that world around him. (Okay, so maybe I was overreacting a little bit.  This happens me sometimes.)

I got to work and got a very far parking space.  I tried not to focus on the fact that this would put me behind in my already too full schedule and I tried to calculate at what time I would need to leave my office to return to my far away car to pick up my daughter from daycare on time this afternoon.  This almost made me cry again, but I was already dehydrated.

And I have to fight the feeling that I am, in writing this blog, doing the very thing I admonished my son for, being focused on my own (relatively small, very first world and privileged) problems instead of what I can do about them, because actually, this blog is part of reclaiming my time and my life and it IS doing something about my problems.

I have to stop letting my life be driven purely by time and scarcity and my own problems that no one understands, and I need to pause, and reflect, and be grateful.  If my son is zoning out, it's probably partly a reflection of my own lack of presence, not just with him, but to my life in general.

Yes, I need to address what's going on with him more actively. Yes, I need to get the things on my calendar done.  Yes, I have a very far parking space.  And, yes, I have a relatively large amount of privilege. All true.  But, by taking these 15 minutes to blog, by allowing myself time to reflect, by honoring my core values and re-centering, I am feeling more like myself than I have in weeks, and that powerful position is the only one from which I can effectively work for change.

And that's what I need to remember.  When I can't, I probably shouldn't.  And what I should do instead is to stop and write myself to clarity, find myself again and remind myself that I can't do the work I'm called to do, if I'm not present to who I am in this world.  There are enough external obstacles out there--I would do best to get out of my own way.